Stephen King Touched My Girdle

by Beth Wareham

Spanx, actually. I was standing beside a conference table, hand up my dress, (my own hand) pulling an anaconda-like roll of latex down my leg when he struck. With a touch more appropriate for inside the covers of 50 Shades of Grey, Stephen King pinched the roll of latex and gave it a yank, taming — and at once setting free – both it and me.

I heard a voice say, “We’re late for the meeting” and with a soft kiss on my neck, I heard him moving away. I whirled around, just as a pair of holey blue Converse, low-tops, turned the corner. I yelled “Congrats on the Red Sox!” and he yelled back, “I’m farting through silk!” A publicist ran by, smiling like a baby with gas. I was left alone to deal with the current of electricity running up and down my spine. I knew I would never see him again.

I’ve been told about Stephen King getting pulled over for speeding with just his giant turtle in the car. Another editor remembers looking down at the treadmill next to her in the hotel at a book convention and wondering who set it on .5 to work out. The Converse, low-tops, were her first clue.

When Salman Rushdie’s fatwah went down, make no mistake, it was Stephen King and Stephen King’s call to booksellers that kept Rushdie’s books on sale. To paraphrase, Mr. King said, you don’t sell him, you don’t sell me.

When I read Stephen King, it’s like being locked in a trunk with my brothers, shit-weasels both. When I read Stephen King, I am deliriously happy. I remember the stupid jokes and haven’t boarded a plane since Dream Catcher without saying “sit up front, first to the crash site.” As a teenager, I was reading Salem’s Lot when a boy knocked on my window, causing me to urinate in fright. My Mom called me “Window Pee” for a week.

Yeah, these books are scary. But they are are also hilarious and few humans have a greater mind when it comes to American pop culture than Mr. King. You are so immersed in your country’s own inside jokes, it is also feels like hanging out with your siblings. It’s all familiar.

I cannot presume to review the body of Mr. King’s work – my 401K won’t hold that long. However, here are some of my favorites.


Herion addiction, men of fallen faith, and rock and roll collide in a deal even the devil wouldn’t make. The publisher says it’s the scariest ending he has ever written. You be the judge.

Stephen King Stickers – Only 6.99, I put mine on my lunch box.

Bag of Bones is a ghost story, a story about grief, on a lake in New England.

On Writing is simply one of the most entertaining, interesting, useful, no bullshit book on writing I’ve ever read. The reading list in back makes it worth the purchase.

Salem’s Lot, the generator of dreaded “window pee”, was cool long before everything had a vampire in it. This is a scary book.

The Stand introduces recurring characters in a post-apocalyptic world dedicated to his wife Tabitha. My husband would attach me to “post-apocalyptic” too.

51D0welpt7L._SL75_Mr. Mercedes is Stephen King’s foray into self-described “hard boiled detective fiction.” He’s so good he can shift from horror to ghost to detective to cute stickers for my lunchbox.



For baby boomers, 11/22/63 resonates as the day a certain idea of America died. John F. Kennedy was killed in Dallas and no one has ever stopped guessing about his end, including Mr. King.



In Doctor Sleep, little Danny Torrance from The Shining grows up and works in a hospice. This is classic scary King.

Visit us on twitter @shadowteams  


One thought on “Stephen King Touched My Girdle

  1. A great way of saying ‘Stephen King’s books are scary and here are a few of my favorites’! However, the grammar witch in me saw a couple of miniscule fuckups which made me think the spell check was ignored or turned off. In no way do those small errors take away from my interest so overall, quite a cute quip!


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s