#Russia-United States Weird

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The Cold War. I mean, have you ever really thought about it? People died all over the place. Families were separated and never saw each other again.  Why? In part because Stalin got hurt feelings. Like most dictators, he had an ego of glass. His people had won the European Theater and didn’t get all the credit they deserved. (America won the Pacific, so you have that, people.) Churchill and F.D.R. remained chatty good buddies, never inviting Josef for a smoke after dinner.  This stung.

In the swirling post-WWII hurt-feelings, Russia and the United States began playing the games you see on your television set today. (See Impeachment Hearings.)  Vladimir Putin is a man in search of an economy, trying to conquer more lands to satisfy his greedy oligarchs; his citizens sure aren’t eating very well. Crimea, DA! Ukraine, DA! Arctic, DA! United States of America’s President! Double DA!

Back in the day, the game was a little different; it wasn’t such a smash and grab. It was zany. And the zaniest of all the tit-for-tat of the Cold War was the dueling UFO programs. Fake rockets were launched and elaborate photographs of crashed saucers were staged in the woods. Rubber corpses were autopsied and filmed and, in a stroke of sheer genius, the U.S. military planned to broadcast the voice of God over Cuba to encourage them to smite the evil communists. Thousands of government personnel worked these capers, huge facilities housed complex machinery and scientific tools, and jets were scrambled over and over and over and over…….

Take heart. All those taxes you pay go to so much more than trash collection…….

You’ll see when you check out Flying Saucers Over the Kremlin by Nick Redfern

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THE SECRET INGREDIENT IN MARITAL ARGUMENTS

By Dr. Phil Lee, author of Argument Addiction

Death Move Marital Arguments contain a toxic message, akin to ‘the poison on the tip of the dart (Gottman/Bumberry).” The apparent question isn’t really a question. Like the body of the dart, the question is only a delivery system for the poison. “Why are you such a slob?” is not a question looking for an answer. “What color are your eyes?” is a question looking for an answer.

“Why are you such a slob?” is a poisonous counterattack mas- querading as a question.

“You are defective, and one evidence of that is you are a slob.” The initial question, “Why aren’t you ever interested in sex?” wasn’t a question either. It was a poisonous attack: “You are defective, and one evidence of that is you are a frigid bitch.”

Whether disguised as question and counter question, or sarcasm and counter sarcasm, the death move marital argument boils down to one refrain, repeated endlessly:

“You’re no good.”

The “Death Move” is a phrase borrowed from legendary golf instructor Jim McLean. He espoused the belief that there was no one perfect swing in golf, rather that there were a range of possible planes. However, he held that if you wandered outside the acceptable range, then you had initiated a death move, from which there is no recovery.

“No, you’re no good.”

The “You’re no good” is inaudible. It’s inaudible but understood; it is boilerplate. Jen will fill in the blank. “You’re no good because _____________________.”

To which David will respond, “No, you’re no good because________________.”

They will simply hurl the fill-in-the-blank post-boilerplate at each other. The post-boilerplate is the part written into the blank space after ‘because;’ it is the modern equivalent of the crockery couples hurl at each other in old movies.

Instead of plates and dishes flying at each other’s heads, we have accusations flying through the air. Now the “You’re no good” portion is unspoken. If the allegation is “You’re no good because you never take out the trash,” what Jen will say is “You never take out the trash!”

Dave’s response is “No, you’re no good because you are always late,” though the audible portion will be “You’re always late.”They almost seem to be speaking at cross-purposes until the secret writing is revealed. It’s like when kids write secret messages on a paper with milk. The page looks blank before “you never take out the trash,” but when held over a candle, the secret message appears: “You’re no good because…” And the important part is the secret message: “You’re no good.”

SO, IT’S AN ARGUMENT ADDICTION? 

In marital shorthand, if the “You’re no good…” gets left out, and whatever filled in the blanks becomes the repetitive and choreographed exchange. Leave out “you’re no good” and what do you get?

When the you’re no good gets left out then the familiar exchange is heard:

“Can’t you ever take out the garbage??”

“Can’t you ever be on time?

It is so important to understand this, because it reveals why Judge Judy doesn’t work. It is not that the Judge isn’t wise, and it is not that the solutions offered by the Judge are unreasonable. It is that, as we will see, no amount of sensible divvying up who takes out the garbage, or when each partner is ready to leave, — no amount of adjudication will address the underlying “you’re no good” that is the heart of the problem.

 

If you can stop the “Death Moves” and rebuild and you’ll make a bad marriage good and good marriage great. We’ll show you how, we promise.

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How’s the sex?

By Dr. Phil Lee,  author of the ARGUMENT ADDICTION

The first and most obvious sign that your partner isn’t enjoying sex is your partner is not having an orgasm. This may be clear to Captain Obvious, but it eludes Captain Oblivious.

Therapist: How’s the sex?

Dave: It’s getting so much better.  Last night she gave me a blow job!

Dave thinks this is a positive sign, but it is not. This becomes clear when the therapist asks what happened then.  Dave says he felt so good he drifted off to a wonderful sleep.

Dave, who thinks he is on the highway to happiness, is in fact speeding down a dead end street.  He has been complaining of not having enough sex, but he has forgotten or never learned the cardinal rule.  If you want to have more sex, you have to make it fun for your partner; and this certainly at least includes making sure your partner has an orgasm.

“We had intercourse; she didn’t come but she felt really good and enjoyed it.”

Polite is not the same as positive, and sat still for it does not equal satisfied by it.

Polite wears down, polite doesn’t last.

Another sign that your partner isn’t enjoying sex is the timing argument.  Here the sex itself may be “fine,” but that won’t matter if the romantic encounter never occurs.

In our book Argument Addiction we write that couples differ over how frequently they want to have sex. There are many variations of this argument.  Here’s a typical story we hear.  Dave comes home from a business trip.  He walks into the kitchen where Jen is preparing dinner and grabs her ass.

Dave: Are the kid’s at hockey practice? Let’s do it!

Jen: God! Is that all you want from me?

There is a ‘chicken or the egg – which came first?’ quality to this argument.  Dave is saying “First we’ll have sex, then we’ll feel close.”  Jen is saying, “Not so fast: first we’ll feel close, then we’ll have sex.”

If you are having this argument, the antidote is to appreciate rather than resent a fundamental  difference between the sexes.  Men often achieve emotional closeness through sexual intimacy. When they have sex, they feel it is a way to be closer to their partner.  Women, on the other hand, often need a sense of emotional closeness, understanding, appreciation, and connection in order to feel interested, in order to feel ready for sexual intimacy.

How to talk to your partner about sex:

People have trouble talking about sex because there is so much self-esteem tied into sex.  Neither partner is comfortable with the idea that they might not be the best, not only the best in the present but also better than all who came before. A tall order!

The trick is not to be defensive, and not to attack.

Attack is basically telling the partner they’re no good.  “Other guys last longer,” “my high school girl friend gave better head,” “you take too long to come.”

Many avoid attack by being silent.  Partners who are more than free with feedback in other areas (“Is that any way to stack the dishwasher?”) are curiously silent on the subject of sex.

The fix is to be steadfastly curious, while giving helpful rather than critical feedback.

The default position is “What can I do to make this the most fun possible for you?” Of course you can only make it easy for your partner to give feedback, you can’t waterboard them.  On the other hand, if they summon up the courage to give some actual feedback, (“Right there is better” “Slower” “Like this”) then you had better be happy to hear it.  If you are resentful or defensive, this will be the last feedback you get!

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