You Know What the Wisdom of Menopause Is? Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

imagesMenopause is the world’s biggest con. Thirty-year old women, well-seasoned at childbirth, would fling themselves from water towers if they knew the humiliating, sleepless sweat-fest in store for them. Being peed and pooped on by children is nothing compared to breaking into a fop sweat on stage during a presentation. “Oh, just towel her off and keep going,” joked the CEO. Like NEVER. The day we shatter menopause is the day we shatter the glass ceiling.

Not an OB/GYN on the planet seemed to have ideas on how to mitigate my symptoms. The press, reporting on medical news, seemed to only offer sensationalized, contradictory material. Born into a family full of women dead of breast cancer, my options were tight.

Then, I did something revolutionary. <ironical statement>  I used food. I looked up the foods I really, really needed as my body was oozing estrogen and sweat. I figured out that for me, magnesium (as in MILK OF…) soothed my jumpiness and helped me sleep. When I got sleep, I didn’t seem to feel creepy in my skin the next day. And, if my skin didn’t creep, I wouldn’t sweat as much.

I looked up magnesium and found that spinach sat at the top of the list. Of great. You have to bring a wheelbarrow of the stuff home to cook up 2 servings. But  raw? It lasts forever. Knowing I would tire of spinach salads by Wednesday, I took to the blender.

I wrote this http://amzn.to/1wsBvMt   Sure, it’s got a weight-loss title but it’s also a book about easing menopause symptoms because that’s what I had to do when I wrote it. Here, my sweaty lovely ladies are the foods to cram into your blender, at least twice a day, until you rid yourself of that dreadful “natural process.”

Here are my favorite five:

1. Raw spinach (a cup in every smoothie you make)

2. Banana (1/2 at a time to keep calories down)

3. Avocado (1/2 at a time and great for savory smoothies)

4. Cashews, Almonds and Peanuts   (Use first two as a nut milks, add peanut butter by the tablespoon)

5. Dark chocolate  (Use 75 – 80% fat cacao powder. It cleans out cells and helps with water retention.)

During peri-menopause, you’ll have to fight the good fight. Get aggressive with doctors, read, exercise a lot. Menopause is serious business and don’t you let anyone tell you it isn’t. Besides, no one can stand with their head in the freezer for two years. I tried.

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Stop Being Stupid about Protein: 5 Clean Substitutes That Don’t Kill Chickens

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Oh, lean white meat is just fine. The only problem is it takes like NOTHING. I burn my chicken just so it will have some sort of flavor and I know I’m alive.

Here are some other ideas that can hold their weight with the dreaded skinless, boneless

1. Romaine lettuce: 50% protein and 18% healthy fat by calories makes it more protein-rich than a chicken breast.

2. Avocado – It’s a fruit and it has more protein than cow’s milk. Enough said.

3. Ounce of almonds – Thats 14 grams of fat or about 1/2 of an average woman’s intake per day or 25 grams.

4. Flax Seed: Buy a bag of unground seeds. It lasts forever. Grind before putting into your smoothie: l cup has 12 grams of your protein needs. Put in a tablespoon in your smoothie and you are on your way to meeting daily requirements.

5. Homemade cashew milk – 6 grams of protein per serving (remember girls, you need 25 grams) and so fresh and delicious, it changes your outlook on life. Here are great instructions for homemade cashew milk:

http://amzn.to/1swAxfr

Let’s give the chickens a few days off. Let’s give our tastebuds something besides those flavorless, skinless boneless boobs. I worry that eating so much of them makes us dumb as chickens and certainly contributes to our methane gas problems. Cow farts. Chicken farts. People farts, I suppose.

Poor Earth.

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No, they are not part of your book group.

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These beauties are here because of their diet: Greens and oats. The #greens in green #smoothies you have covered – spinach, kale – but the oats are problematic.

Not so. Take 1/2 cup old-fashioned oats (the good kind that really does cut into cholesterol), put it into your blender first and grind away. You can have your oat-laced smoothie as chunky or smooth as you’d like. Add the rest of your ingredients to the powdery – or not – oatmeal.

I believe oatmeal goes best with a base of banana or yogurt, but hey, it’s your smoothie.

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Something Kinda Dirty About ‘Em: Bell Peppers Sucked Up a Straw

I don’t put green, yellow or red peppers in my smoothies or juices, as you can plainly see here: http://ow.ly/CgkNy.

I just don’t like the way they taste whirled with the other ingredients I require in a smoothie. If you slip me a smoothie with raw broccoli, I’ll buck like a wild ass. Peppers come in at an icky #2.

But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t add them to green smoothies, if you like them. Despite the feel of moist pith, peppers have massive amounts of vitamin C, more than oranges. Their antioxidant and anti-inflammatory properties – one cleans out the body from skin to cells and the other brings down internal swelling in joints and elsewhere – are huge. And these wonder nutrients are destroyed by high heat. Consume raw.

You want RIPE bell peppers. Oh, can do you tell? you howl. Their vitamin content is at its highest when ripe and that’s pretty high. The only veggie that can come near bell peppers in nutrition is a fruit – – Mr. Tomato. A ripe bell pepper may change from green to red. It may not. The color deepens, though, and the vegetable should feel heavy and dense in the hand. You can leave peppers ripening in a brown bag for up to 10 days after bringing home from the market.

Put chunks of ripe pepper in your next green smoothie. I’d slip it into avocado-based drinks. Don’t be like me; be smart and use this superfood. And if you garden, grow as many as you can.

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YES, I’M AN ADDICT AND LITTLE DEBBIE DID IT.

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I have struggled with alcohol, my weight, how I fold my sheets, why I can’t remember to pick up milk or swing by the dry cleaners. I have also enjoyed addictions to specific men. What I have never understood, though, is what sends me over the edge. I go from “person who might be addicted” to “addicted as hell” in three seconds flat.

Then I wrote this book.  http://amzn.to/Y9nJkV  For the first time since puberty probably, I was off sugar. I didn’t want it. Didn’t think about it. More importantly, other dogs of addiction stopped barking as well. I didn’t get all high on sugar and start saying and doing stupid stuff.  I could have saved a bunch of money at Passages Malibu if someone had told me this shit.

So, I’m telling you: Watch the sugar. Watch your moods. Watch your behaviors. After the sugar changes your mood you are probably saying and doing destructive things. This is how we fix it.  

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NO REST FOR THE WICKED: Labor Day

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I always put “tech” under tags because I think tech people invented the green smoothie. I think they invented it so they could stay at their computer clicking and sucking, sucking and clicking. I do it too. It may be wrong. It may be sad. But I do it too.  21st century Mommy-fixation? Probably.

And behind the computer, these two little guys were working. They hollowed out a watermelon and put spinach in the blender, packing it down with wee paws. They whirled and whirled, making a highly dangerous foray into your freezer for ice. Now they are exhausted and you need to drink up:

 

No-Click Labor Day Green Smoothie

3 kiwi fruit, peeled and chunked

1 cup pineapple chunks

1 stalk celery

Decaf green tea to taste

1 cup spinach, kale or beet greens, torn into chunks

2 tablespoons chia seeds

Ice

Put the kiwi, pineapple and celery in the blender and pulse to break down. Add a little of the tea to make the tornado in the blender jar, if needed.

Add the greens and chia seeds and cover all with tea. Blend, dropping ice down through the blender top. 

 

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WHAT COUGARS WANT: Follow this dude home

 

 

This guy really turns me on:

It is because I just finished writing this book:  http://amzn.to/Y3SS9p

 

I don’t care if he’s ugly from the front. I don’t care if he lives in a recycled shipping container. I just know he’s got the greens and I’ve got the blender and tons of speeds. My credit is so good I have the Lexus of blenders.  I’ve also got vintage Yves St Laurent to tote it in. 

 

He’s young and I’m older and that means fun.  OH BABY, LET’S WHIRL 

 

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NO, IT’S A SKINNY GREEN SMOOTHIE

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           With my crowd, it’s been funny writing a health book. Most of them have spent time in physical rehab for wrist and elbow problems: tennis, skeet shooting, drinking alcohol. You know, typical repetitive stress injuries like from typing. 

           I can get them to drink many things, but I just cannot get them to drink a green one. John yelled “looks like the river in August!” when I made him one. Poppy asked if Diego had mowed the lawn. I gave Mrs. Pomeranze one and she said “Girl, you’ve been living in New York too long if this is what you drink…” 

         And so my trip to spread the word in Texas failed. But many have failed the first time. When I return and hear the shouts of IS THAT A DAQUIRI!, I’ll be even better armed with new and improved green smoothies. I’ll fight them off, just as the Commanches did all those years ago. 

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MAMA KNOWS: REACHING FOR AGELESSNESS WITH SKINNY GREEN SMOOTHIES

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I really don’t know what the abuela is reaching for…..I know what it’s SHAPED like and therefore, I would put it in a green smoothie.

That’s not to say I whirl all dick-shaped fruits and veggies. I do not. Sometimes, I set them on the counter and laugh at them. But fruits and vegetables are so agreeable, they grow in funny shapes just to amuse us. How can you NOT like them? 

So, I’m making a special green smoothie for strangely shaped fruits and veggies:

 

THE CROOKED BULBOUS GREEN SMOOTHIE

1 stalk celery, with leaves

1 cucumber, washed, halved, seeded and chopped

Juice of 1 lemon

2 peach halves drizzled with raw honey, preferably grilled with a little char

1 cup greens of your choice

1 tablespoon chia seeds 

Peach flavored dark tea to taste

Ice

Put the celery, cucumber and lemon in the blender and pulse until broken down.

Add the peaches, greens, chia and cover with the tea. Blend, adding ice through the top until the desired thickness is reached. Serve. 

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