Playing the “Woman Card” and Coming In Hot

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/beth wareham

I VOWED not to spend one second of my life doing anything but mocking Donald Trump. The hair, the Eastern European model wife, the name splashed so big on buildings it screams “I have a tiny penis!”  But then I heard two words: “woman card” as in playing the. I can even prove the two words came flying out of his sushi hole.  (Thank you, CNN.)

I snapped. What a dick. What a stupid dick to disenfranchise more than 50% of the population. It was a bad strategy. But he’s a red-faced blurter and that’s a really really bad thing. For anybody, but especially politicians. I am sometimes surprised he can even hold his pee in at the lectern.

Women have quite a card to play, Donald, and you need to shut up:

Rape and murder since the beginning of human time.

White slavery, prostitution and child pornography.

Pay inequity and unpaid child support.

No voice in politics or economics for centuries.

Got the vote after freed male slaves.

Live under threat of punishment for a medical procedure THAT IS COMPLETELY LEGAL.

Members of the GOP in our vaginas, the worse indignity of all

And despite all that horror, no one plays the “woman card.” They get up in the morning and climb in their fighter to fight ISIS and keep his big pink butt safe. They run for President and no doubt will win. (I want him to get whooped by a girl). These women are mothers and teachers and doctors and lawyers. They don’t play the woman card. The show up, and every day that they do, they are in effect saying “shove it up your ass, Donald.”

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The Clinton’s Basement

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/Beth Wareham

Poor Chelsea. All kids make out in their parent’s basement and she must have looked so unappetizing in the pulsating blue. Or perhaps she looked more beautiful, blue eyes bouncing back the shiny azure of the server light.

I never cease to be amazed at all the stupid shit the rich and famous need and want – air-pressure chambers, fish toxin injections, panic rooms (though I have one in my head), hair wranglers. But I must say, this “server-in-the-basement” thing is a fantastic new wrinkle in the game of the rich and powerful.

What would I put on my basement servers? Well, it wouldn’t be dick picks. Hillary probably got group blasts of those from congress. I’d put my financial information, most personal exchanges with people I loved and medical information. The stuff that matters.

Hillary is just too damn smart to not have good reasons to have servers in her basement. She has been a target of some of the most humiliating take-down attempts in the history of the Presidency. She’s got a right to be a bit more discerning than most. Whatever you think of her personally, she has served her country tirelessly and deserves our respect and thanks.

So, I say to Hillary, RELEASE AND REDACT whatever you need to; You have served us so well.

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